The thoughts swirl, the conclusions are elusive. I type to occupy, to do… something.

Re-Imagining life though the paradigm of free will in the hope of reconciling and integrating Sarah’s death.

This walk is with others and all our welcome. And this walk is painfully alone. And this walk is saturated with silence. And this walk is tears of anguish, shouts of injustice, delusions, fear, And guilt. Oh, Guilt, I wish you were not welcome yet without you…

Juxtaposed is the reality that my family, including my wife, my two sons and my first born daughter walk this same road. And I want to be present and available for, to, And with. This is really, truly difficult as Guilt resides in every decision, every outcome. 

If I lose myself enjoying anything, Guilt reminds me that Sarah is dead, what kind of a monster are you, how can you laugh? Guilt is as skilled when the skies are darkened drawing me away, searching for relief. Do you not know of your blessings, of your privilege, of your children? How can you to leave them? How can you treat them as less than Sarah, less than you? 

As the saying goes, damned if you do, damned if you don’t. 

I seek to transcend this binary world. 

Create, reconcile, integrate, sit, sit, sit; 

Allow myself to be loved and to honestly love others. 

This type of love brings salvation. 

Love, 

dan ryan